i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
