On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
