Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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