Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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