you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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