im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
