Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
