literally had 100 drinks last night.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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