I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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