If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
