i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
