you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
