I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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