It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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