i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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