Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
