Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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