Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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