last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When are your genitals available?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
