All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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