the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What drink are we having for lunch?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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