Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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