Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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