i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
