she woke up with a sticky ear
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
