More tranny stories later!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me