it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.