help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that