This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
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can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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