So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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