Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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