seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
