did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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