yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
