If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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