just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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