hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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