evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
