So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
