addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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