its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
