So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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