He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
