I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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