me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
