community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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