This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
