Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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