You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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