Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
