i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
