I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
