I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
