I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
