i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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