Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
