my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
