I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish you could order shots online.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Randomize
