i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
