you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
