Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
